Couples Loving Each Other

How do people actually get along together in this world? Where do they learn to do it? Did their parents model exquisitely attuned behavior? Were they surrounded by love, and did they internalize it automatically, with no worries, no strain or pain? Some did, many did not have that advantage, through no fault of their own. And that's where couples therapy can help. It can do a reset on patterns a couple might want to improve upon. Some patterns might be working already, but if anger, sadness, frustration, feelings of invisibility, just to name a few, ever happen in your relationship, you might want to visit a couples therapist to improve upon your strengths, and seek understanding for the situations that cause you pain, and cause your partner pain as well.

As a psychoanalyst, I am interested in understanding a couples history of relationships starting with the one they had with their parents, and then, during the course of our discussions when it emerges spontaneously, their siblings, their friends, their teachers, girlfriends and boyfriends, all the way through to the present with their current partner. There are so many undercurrents, and unconscious experiences that influence how we do what we do, why we feel what we feel. So sitting with a couple and finding a way to give voice to patterns that make up their unique partnership is paramount. Many people develop defenses against feelings of vulnerability, joy, sadness, grief, anger, and other emotions, that get in the way of their being honest, with themselves and each other. Learning to recognize those defenses and develop both appreciation for and curiosity about those defenses can be a way to enter a world of more feeling, more aliveness, creativity and change. Sometimes we get stuck in life. Going around the same boring predictable but deadening corral day after day, for example, takes a toll on a couple. So our sitting and trying to unpack defenses in a sensitive and patient way, can allow someone to enter, if only briefly, an entirely new emotional world, a world of more meaning and more joy. This requires a tremendous amount of emotional courage. It requires being exposed to three people: yourself, your partner, and the therapist, in a new way.

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For those who don't have the time, money, or inclination to pursue couples therapy, or those in therapy who want to study between sessions to learn even more, there are several great models, many books to read, that outline the couples therapy process.

John and Julie Gottman have a nine step model for building a healthy relationship. Harville Hendrix has a ten step model with great suggestions. There is no one size fits all, but what all these models have in common is a way to organize your thinking so that you can be more conscious, sensitive, and intentional in your interactions with your partner. Below I have a brief description about the Gottmans Sound Relationship House model, and a breakdown of ten excellent steps proposed by Harville Hendrix, to give you perspective, and to suggest that whatever model you and your therapist use to help you and your partner, you must, with the therapists help, make it unique to your own personal situation. THESE ARE JUST SUGGESTIONS, NOT CURES; MERELY GUIDEPOSTS AS YOU HIKE ALONG LIFE'S LOVE PATHWAYS AND TRAILS. JOY AND SORROW ARE A PART OF LIFE. NO COUPLES THERAPIST, BOOK, OR THEORY, CAN OR SHOULD PROTECT YOU FROM THAT REALITY. BUT FINDING MEANING IN THE JOY AND SORROW, FINDING WAYS TO FEEL LESS ALONE AND ISOLATED WITH THOSE FEELINGS, IS A CRITICAL PART OF WHAT COUPLES THERAPY IS ALL ABOUT.

FIrst, the Gottmans ideas:

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Discover The Nine Components of Healthy Relationships

What Is the Sound Relationship House?

Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed nine components of healthy relationships known as The Sound Relationship House Theory.

In his New York Times bestselling book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman introduced the concept that a foundationally secure partnership is like a house. It has weight-bearing walls and levels that each person builds upon to create a sturdy bond. He called this structure the Sound Relationship House, and for more than 20 years, it’s given countless couples the tools they need to have happy healthy relationships.

So what is the Sound Relationship House exactly? Here is an overview floor by floor.

Floor 1: Build Love Maps

It all begins on the firm foundation of knowing each other. In the first level of the Sound Relationship House, partners build what Dr. John Gottman calls a “Love Map,” which is the essential guide to your partner’s inner world. What are their likes and dislikes? Who is your partner’s best friend? Did they have a happy childhood? How do they prefer to relax after a tense day? Building Love Maps means asking the right questions to learn more about your partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else.

Floor 2: Share Fondness and Admiration

Everyone needs to hear something nice about themselves, and it means the most when it comes from your partner. Sharing fondness and admiration sounds like vocalizing the characteristics that you appreciate. Perhaps you admire their sense of humor or the way they’re always willing to help someone in need. In healthy relationships, you can articulate the big and little reasons you love your partner.

Floor 3: Turn Towards

When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you are likely to say something or make a gesture to elicit a response from them—what the Gottmans call a “bid.” Your partner turns toward that bid when they reply with what you need. Consistently turning away (or worst yet, turning against) a bid spells disaster for any relationship. When you both recognize and turn toward each other’s bids, you create a safe space for you both to express yourselves and your needs.

How well do you know your partner?

Free Relationship Quiz

Floor 4: The Positive Perspective

Isn’t so much of life all in how you look at it? That’s what the Positive Perspective offers. Couples in healthy relationships see the best in each other and don’t rush to offense or criticism. So, when your partner rushes out the door and forgets to kiss you goodbye, a Positive Perspective means that you give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they were absentmindedly preoccupied rather than intentionally negligent. Believing that you’re on the same team solidifies your union and strengthens you from the inside out.

Floor 5: Manage Conflict

Since you can’t avoid conflict, knowing what to do when it inevitably shows is key.  First, you need to accept your partner’s influence—meaning you take their feelings and desires into account instead of doing everything your own way. Second, whether problems are solvable or perpetual, you dialogue about them. Third, when you feel yourself getting heated during an argument, self-soothing (such as taking a walk or taking deep breaths) will help you remain calm.

Floor 6: Make Life Dreams Come True

The beauty of good companionship is that you have someone who will not only encourage you in your goals but also help you reach them. This level can look like coming up with a plan to pay off debt brought into the partnership or being supportive of them going back to school. Making life dreams come true shows that you want the best possible life for your partner and you are willing to do what it takes to make that happen.

Floor 7: Create Shared Meaning

The top of the Sound Relationship House functions much like its foundation of Love Maps, except on this level, you build and understand an inner world as a couple. The Gottmans think of it as developing a culture of symbols and rituals that express who you are as a team. It can be as simple as getting pizza from the place you both love every Friday night and as intricate as the unique way you celebrate birthdays. These Rituals of Connection define you as a unit, and you create them together.

The Weight-Bearing Walls of Trust and Commitment

As important as all the floors of the Sound Relationship House are, they don’t hold together without the pillars of trust and commitment. In a healthy, supportive relationship, two people make the decision to have faith in each other and stick together. They freely love one another and pledge to help that love grow.

The Sound Relationship House is a foundational theory of The Gottman Institute, and you can learn more with the Gottman Relationship Coach, where the Gottmans break down each level and give examples. With these principles guiding you, you’ll have a relationship that can weather any storm.

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Next, Harville Hendrix's ideas:

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Harville Hendrix's "10 steps toward a conscious partnership" are a guide for couples to move beyond unconscious reactions and towards deeper, more fulfilling relationships. These steps involve recognizing the hidden purpose of relationships as a path to healing childhood wounds, taking responsibility for one's own communication, valuing the partner's needs, and embracing personal growth.

Here's a breakdown of the ten steps:

1. Recognize the hidden purpose of your relationship:

Understand that your relationship is a space for healing past emotional wounds.

2. Create a more accurate image of your partner:

See them as a fellow human being, not just a reflection of your needs, and acknowledge their individual struggles.

3. Take responsibility for communicating needs and desires:

Use "I" language to express your feelings and avoid blaming your partner.

4. Become more intentional in your interactions:

Be mindful of your reactions and choose constructive responses over automatic, potentially negative ones.

5. Value your partner's needs as highly as your own:

Strive for reciprocity and mutual understanding in addressing each other's needs.

6. Invest more energy in meeting your partner's needs:

Actively work towards fulfilling your partner's desires and creating a supportive environment.

7. Embrace the dark side of your personality:

Acknowledge your flaws and work on personal growth to better handle relationship challenges.

8. Learn new techniques to satisfy basic needs and desires:

Explore healthy ways to fulfill your needs and communicate them effectively.

9. Search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking:

Take ownership of your personal development and contribute to the relationship's growth.

10. Become more aware of your drive to be loving, whole, and united with the universe:

Recognize the potential for deep connection and spiritual growth within the relationship.

These steps, when practiced consistently, can help couples move from a place of unconscious reactivity to a conscious partnership characterized by empathy, understanding, and mutual growth.

1. Recognize the hidden mission of your relationship:Realize that your relationship is a vehicle for healing childhood wounds.
2. Create a more realistic image of your partner: Shift from the idealized image to a more complete understanding of who they are.
3. Take responsibility for communicating your needs:Clearly articulate your desires and expectations to your partner.
4. Become intentional in your interactions: Be mindful and deliberate in your actions and words within the relationship.
5. Cherish your partner's needs: Value their desires and feelings as much as your own.
6. Accept your partner's "dark side": Embrace the less desirable aspects of their personality.
7. Learn new ways to satisfy your needs and desires:Explore healthy and effective communication techniques.
8. Find the strengths and talents you lack within yourself: Recognize your own completeness and potential for growth.
9. Become more sensitive to your motivation to love:Understand your deeper reasons for seeking connection.
10. Accept the difficulties of creating a beautiful relationship: Embrace the challenges as opportunities for growth.

The process also emphasizes the importance of:

• Imago Dialogue: Using mirroring, validating, and empathizing to create safe and productive conversations.
• Mirroring: Reflecting back what your partner says to ensure understanding.
• Validating: Acknowledging your partner's perspective and feelings.
• Empathizing: Trying to understand your partner's emotional experience.
• Zero negativity: Striving to eliminate blame and negativity from your interactions.

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