Happy with Therapy but Now unemployed!
So you went to therapy because of job stress, stress in your life, maybe childhood trauma. And you have begun to like your therapist,and feel like they ‘get’ you. You have begun to trust them. You enjoy your sessions, and you are beginning to feel more alive, to feel more emotions, life seems more colorful, and you feel less deadened and depressed. You are sharing your dreams and beginning to understand yourself better, you are remembering more from the past in a good way, and basically you are feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time. And then it happens- you lose your job. Wow. What do you do? Should you quit right away? Should you ask your therapist to reduce or even eliminate your fee? Should you just keep paying what you do normally and wait for them to suggest something? ( I’m using they instead of he or she here, to make it simpler).
What on earth do you do?
Well, first, there is no better time for therapy than being in a crisis, and losing your job for most people, unless you are independently wealthy, or even if you are, is a crisis. It’s the loss of your security, your routine, your identity, your very sense of direction in the world. Losing your job can feel overwhelming. And therapy is a place where you have more support for your feelings of overwhelm than most places in life. It’s an important time to work on issues like loneliness, shame, self blame, fear of the future, and all kinds of unconscious programming that might begin to hold you back- just when you need it less. In my opinion there is
no better place to be, during your unemployment stress, than with a affirming and attuned therapist-who will help you face yourself and your feelings, at a time when you want to hide.
So now that I have made my point, you are probably stilla sking; what do I do? So I thought I would share some background info to give you some context.
First the facts from your therapists frame of reference: Here goes: The median income for a psychologist based in NewYork City, since I am a psychologist in New York City, meaning a therapist with a doctorate, who has spent a very long time in school, getting to a place where they are licensed in NY, is about $112,000. Of course some therapists make more, and some make less, but that’s sort of the middle range income. And I say that because most people don’t know that. They think someone called doctor is naturally just better off than most. But that is not often the case. -And besides the median income, you should take into account, the out of pocket expenses a psychologist/therapist has, like paying for a full or part time office, maintaining up to date computers, virtual therapy services, legal advice, continuing education, office supplies, professional supervision, and conference expenses and seminars. If your therapist is trained in specialties like EMDR, IFS or parts work, that all requires extra training and supervision because it's more intensive. If they are a psychoanalyst, like I am, they often go in and out of analysis themselves on a regular basis, to stay sharp in that specialty, which is particularly demanding, requiring more awareness of the unconscious than most of us normally have, and this all costs money. True, I can ask my accountant to write it off my taxes, but then that reduces my net income. A lower net income reduces my benefits with Social Security for my retirement savings. Then keep in mind that your therapist gets no paid sick days and no paid vacation days, unless they work for a clinic or a large group practice or hospital or something . So I put this out there so that you realize that your therapist depends on your employment for their employment. The two of you are in this together. If you are my patient reading this, then know that WE are in this together!
So what I think you might do, is talk to your therapist about what you can now afford to pay them. Suggest an amount that you CAN afford. What I like to ask my patients when they lose their job is this: “OK you paid me such and such before. What do you think you could afford to pay me now that you are not working?” and then I say “I don’t expect you to be out of work permanently. I expect you to get equal or even better income going forward at some point, so I expect you to be able to pay me my full fee like you did before. So can we agree that every month, we will reassess this fee that you and I have just decided on during this period of unemployment, and see if it still fits?? You will share your feedback with me, and I will share my feedback with you, monthly, to make sure we are on the same page."
That conversation and commitment to accountability protects both of us. It protects us from being exploited by the other, (you pressured into paying too much, and me from having my income reduced too much) and it protects us from deluding ourselves that we don't need money. We both do and at the same time, we need to help you get back on your feet again. It provides a safe space for you to cope with your unemployment, and a safe space for me to help you get through it. And once it’s over, and it WILL be over, we will return to our original financial agreement, what you paid me before all of this happened, if at all possible.
So laid off?? Like your therapist?? Want to keepworking and getting better ,and working on all the issues that unemployment now presents?? I think you should! Because along with the stress of unemployment, it’s also a wonderful opportunity to do trauma work using EMDR, IFS and parts work, or just having a great ally in your therapist along the way, who can help you relax your defenses once you feel safe enough, and get in touch with your core feelings about this dilemma you’re now in.
So in summary, if you lose your job, don’t despair!!
Most people grow more psychologically under stress. A large bank account doesn't necessarily mean you’re growing- sometimes it means you’re staying stuck in golden handcuffs, a situation where you feel trapped because you are afraid to walk away from the money, even though it's not good for you.
There’s something about being less financially secure that motivates people to care more about one another and that’s a very good thing. In a general sense, countries with more income are not always happier, and a sense of community seems to trigger more happiness than income alone. So speaking of community, I highly recommend a 12 step group called Debtor’s Anonymous to help you through your unemployment time. You do NOT have to be in debt to join. You just have to be worried about money, and open to receiving the emotional support of a loving community, and practical tools for dealing with your finances, and encouragement to take the best care of yourself you possibly can. There are 'in person' meetings and virtual meetings, all over the world, and it’s free, although small donations for meetings are accepted if you choose.
Sometimes people don't like 12 step meetings because there is talk of a Higher Power and there is. But your Higher Power can be anything you want it to be. God, nature, music, your best friend. Whatever makes you happy enough to believe in something larger than yourself and your own ego.
I wish you the best!
