Sleeping with the Enemy

Sleeping with the Enemy was the name of a movie with Julia Roberts which came out in 1991.  In the film she is fleeing an abusive marriage.  She could not get rid of a husband bent on controlling her.  He was the 'enemy.'  I use that name for this blog post, because I think some of us sometimes feel like sleep and/or insomnia is the enemy that we must control. Truth be told, trying to control anything never works, especially ourselves. Most of us have many selves, not only one. In Internal Family Systems they are called 'parts.' Whatever we call them, most of us are made up of many puzzle pieces at any given time on any given day OR night. That's often what makes life exciting. But for those of us whose sleep is not always predictable, some of those more unruly 'parts' end up becoming our enemy. Rather than welcome them in, or 'put out the welcome mat' for whatever we might be feeling, as Rumi has suggested, we sometimes do the opposite, and reject and condemn the very essence of who we are in the name of "needing our sleep." There is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep. Sleep is great. Dreams are wonderful. Sinking into deep sleep where we go into REM (rapid eye movement) is ideal. I am all for sleep. And nowadays there are a zillion warnings about what will happen to us if we don't get enough sleep. We are told we are vulnerable to everything from hoof and mouth disease (just kidding) to heart disease and Alzheimers if we don't sleep. And that may be true. But you know what and I imagine you will agree with me, that that is the absolute worst way to help anybody sleep. It reminds me of years ago when lots of experts were saying that breakfast was the most important meal of the day and that we would die without it. Wherever I went I was warned that if I did not eat breakfast I was being very unhealthy. But I am not hungry in the morning so I just went on my way. And  you know what? I am still, knock on wood, pretty healthy. And I doubt if anybody actually died, and now that expert admonition that we all had to eat breakfast is not around so much. Many people fast. Many people eat one meal a day. As long as your health is ok I say eat when you want, and enjoy it. But back to sleep. For anyone reading this who has irregular or restless sleep , my first suggestion is to quit making insomnia the enemy. Quit making either sleep OR insomnia something to be conquered. Forget it. Make friends with insomnia. Make your bed a sacred sanctuary. Remember that quiet wakefulness, where you lie quietly and welcome whatever comes into your mind, with your eyes closed, lying comfortably, a little like the practice of mindfulness, can also be very restful.

I made a post here on this same blog site a year ago, called Quiet Wakefulness. It was about how the National Football League hired rest specialists for their players. They never used the word sleep because it was such a trigger. They called it rest. You might want to scroll through to find that post, it is called CAN'T SLEEP?  TRY QUIET WAKEFULNESS. IT was posted on April 18,2025, and it is filled with good suggestions for how to rest well.

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